1. The clever gift-giver can get one's husband a threesome for his birthday! (I wish I were kidding. I Got My Husband a Threesome For His Birthday was an actual Marie Claire headline.)
2. You can be famous for simply being beautiful, or for having multiple plastic surgeries by the age of 23.
3. John Edwards is a douche nozzle. (True story, unfortunately.)
4. How quickly Kendra or one of those Kardashian women loses her baby weight can be of national importance. (Also, the term post-baby bod will eventually reside in their brains, taking up cerebral space forevah.)
5. Straight couples have been messing up marriage for an eternity. (And yet...we fear the gays.)
6. Your perfect weight is approximately 20 pounds underweight.
7. A celebrity's weight fluctuations are important! Really! We need to know that Scarlett Johannson lost 20 pounds for Iron Man 2, or that Gwyneth softened up for her next movie role.
8. Cosmo keeps coming up with new, never-before-printed ways to please your man, every month! Because the possible variations that exist between two people are limitless, thanks to their intrepid sex reporters. And you'd better learn them, otherwise...Tiger Woods, ya'll!
9. If you discover your future husband has a penchant for Nazi memorabilia, you might want to rethink the engagement.
10. Larry King STILL has sex. (There should be a cut -off.)
11. We're supposed to be thrilled when the rich and famous get caught at the beach with cellulite, and pissed when they're not.
12. Reese Witherspoon is moving on.
13. It's okay to mock fallen stars, and then pretend to feel just awful when they die broken and alone.
14. It's acceptable to pay $1.25 for a 12-oz Coke when you could get a 2-liter on sale for a dollar.