Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Things My Daughters Can Learn While Standing in the Grocery Checkout Line

1. The clever gift-giver can get one's husband a threesome for his birthday! (I wish I were kidding. I Got My Husband a Threesome For His Birthday was an actual Marie Claire headline.)

2. You can be famous for simply being beautiful, or for having multiple plastic surgeries by the age of 23.

3. John Edwards is a douche nozzle. (True story, unfortunately.)

4. How quickly Kendra or one of those Kardashian women loses her baby weight can be of national importance. (Also, the term post-baby bod will eventually reside in their brains, taking up cerebral space forevah.)

5. Straight couples have been messing up marriage for an eternity. (And yet...we fear the gays.)

6. Your perfect weight is approximately 20 pounds underweight.

7. A celebrity's weight fluctuations are important! Really! We need to know that Scarlett Johannson lost 20 pounds for Iron Man 2, or that Gwyneth softened up for her next movie role.

8. Cosmo keeps coming up with new, never-before-printed ways to please your man, every month! Because the possible variations that exist between two people are limitless, thanks to their intrepid sex reporters. And you'd better learn them, otherwise...Tiger Woods, ya'll!

9. If you discover your future husband has a penchant for Nazi memorabilia, you might want to rethink the engagement.

10. Larry King STILL has sex. (There should be a cut -off.)

11. We're supposed to be thrilled when the rich and famous get caught at the beach with cellulite, and pissed when they're not.

12. Reese Witherspoon is moving on.

13. It's okay to mock fallen stars, and then pretend to feel just awful when they die broken and alone.

14. It's acceptable to pay $1.25 for a 12-oz Coke when you could get a 2-liter on sale for a dollar.


Anonymous said...

#1-13 are ok, but I can see where you're going with #14. That's just bad math! (Is that Marie Claire still on the newsstands?)

Kelly said...

Hmm...doubt it, as I saw it two months ago or so. But just do a search of 'Marie Claire' and 'threesome' and up pops the awful truth!

oboyorganic said...

Love #10

Things I have to start paying attention to after my boys start to read. Jackson is going into Kindergarten next year and I hate to see what he starts coming home with..ugh!

Motherhood Uncensored said...

Oh god this is brilliant. My kids are usually out of the cart by that time, so they're learning how many bags of MnM's they can put in their tiny fists.

Also, how mommy is one big hypocrite because she makes them put stuff in the right place at home, but doesn't care what shelf they put it back on at the store.

Anonymous said...

That's OK, Uncensored. My kids are the ones that go along straightening up all the shelves, even though I grab them by the ear and say, "Some one gets paid for that."

I guess I never see the magazines because we go to self-check and I make the kids do the scanning and the bagging.

SeriousMom said...

I LOVE self-checkout. Not only do I avoid all the smut mags and candy, but my kids do all the work. It's brilliant.

eileen said...

#10 is truly brilliant...

It seems truly punishing to have to look at all that bullshit after the chore of shopping and then having to bag your own groceries because the cashiers 1)either purposely put your eggs and bread under cans of crushed tomatoes to encourage you just pack your own, dammit or 2)they can't be arsed.

I have taken to just concentrating on how aggravated grocery shopping makes me in general, which keeps me eye-ing the candy more than that crap I can't live without knowing...

Monica said...

Another reason I love Trader Joes. No mags at check out. I still go to Safeway, and always hate what my kids are looking at. Great list, and yes, #10 is very funny.

creative-type dad said...

I always find the celeb candid pictures with the flab spilling out at some Malibu beach pretty entertaining.

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